don't let me fall

i feel sick. i’m having a sudden panic attack while i think about the intense amount of studying that’ll be packed together in the coming month and a half. i know i can push myself to make it happen … but i’m afraid it won’t end the way i want it to. anyway, i’ll still do it because i believe in myself. if it doesn’t work out, then i’ll just have to start again and give myself more time. it’s not like i can’t digest the materials, it’s that i’m rushing myself and jamming the tests together. it will be interesting to see how this all falls out, but if it turns out successful, then it’ll be the greatest accomplishment i’ve made so far. it’ll even outshine graduating from cal in my books. weird. 

you want me to be transparent? ok. do you know how i feel right now? i feel like something that was meant to be good turned sour. you know how bad that feels? i know you were hurt because you felt judged and i cannot emphasize enough that it was not that way. you can believe me or not. maybe you can let this all drop now, but maybe i can’t. why were my good intentions being questioned? do you not know us well enough that you would think of us as those evil gossipy girls ganging up on you? hell no. 

you say you’re fine now so i’ll take your word for it. to be honest, i don’t think i’m fine. i’m not going to invest my heart into a relationship where my kind thoughts are seen as a burden. i don’t like being questioned for what i do for my friends. what nonsense is that? yea you can just tell me all your successes and i’ll stop caring about you altogether. that will be our friendship from now on. cheers to that!

One year ago today was probably the peak of my life thus far. That day, I was hired full-time by a Big-4 firm, had one year of college left to enjoy, and met a boy I fell in like with for the first time. And now, one year later … everything is different, not for the worse nor for the better. I just want to commemorate that day each year and see how my life goes up from here (:

One year. 

A lot happens in a year’s time … and then things change and people disappear.

A year ago this time, I was interning in San Francisco and literally partying it up every weekend with my best friends. Summer 2011 was the best time of my life. I had so much freedom and I LOVED it!

I felt like a boss. I felt young and wild. I was having so much fun and I lost all my fears and insecurities for once. I was finally being myself — my wild, dgaf self — and I felt liberated. Then I met him. The one who liked me for my secret side. He taught me how carefree life can be, how great it is to let go, how fun it is to have fun. Even tho he’s disappeared now, I won’t forget about him. He was my favorite part of the summer. 

I don’t expect Summer 2012 to live up to Summer 2011 in any way. I gave up hope long ago. I’m just hoping San Francisco will pick me back up and bring me new adventures when I move back.

San Francisco 2013+, I’m depending on you! 

My other self is my secret, and I don’t want to share it with you anymore. Find your own fun, because I’m off to find my own. I’m worth more than just a backup. 

You hurt me, again and again, and I let you, again and again.

But I just realized … I never had a chance with you. 

http://www.zawaj.com/story-30-days-of-carrying-my-wife/